Dealing with Bad Body Image in Eating Disorder Recovery

Honest chat about my recent weight loss, anxiety, and body image struggles, & what I'm doing to deal with bad body image post-eating disorder. Please note: I have not relapsed. I am going through a rough patch but the ED is no longer part of it.

The truth is, everyone goes through rough patches sometimes. In the past, this would have been the cue for my eating disorder to show up and soothe the anxiety. To make me feel better, at least temporarily. Well, not anymore.

In the long-term, all the ED would do was make me feel worse and increase the anxiety ten-fold. I know that now. As such, rather than turn to the eating disorder, I try to deal with my difficulties differently. And whilst these new techniques weren't half as good as the ED at soothing me initially, they've grown on me and they're definitely much better long-term solution than the eating disorder ever was and ever could have been.

So, using my boyfriend's prompt to soothe my own stress levels: what would I tell my followers -- what would I tell you? well, it depends.

What would I tell you if you were struggling with your recovery weight gain or body image?

I would tell you that no one freaking cares. No one but the eating disorder.

At the start of my weight gain journey, I feared I would never be able to stop. I feared that I would get 'fat,' that I would be unhappy, and that I would be judged. Above all else, I believed that gaining weight would mean giving up the little control that I felt I had over my life.

But let me tell you some things:

1. Weight gain DOES stop. You won't gain forever. 
2. Weight gain is VERY unlikely to influence your mood to the extent that the eating disorder does. And if it does influence your mood, it is likely to do so for the better: letting go of the rigid food rules and ED-induced self-hatred can go a long way in improving your wellbeing!
3. No one else cares about your weight. Honestly. People want to see you happy and healthy... they'll be cheering you on! 

You wouldn’t be nasty to a friend because she put on weight, so why would anyone with your best interests in mind do that to you? And shouldn't you have your own best interests in mind too? 

You wouldn't tell your friend she was unworthy due to her appearance, so why would you tell yourself this? These words could easily hurt your friend’s self-esteem, so have you ever thought about what the repetition of these convictions does to yours? Self-love, or acceptance, starts with viewing yourself and your body as your best friend. Start talking to it as such (I know it’s not easy!) and a LOT a LOT can change, for the better. Tell yourself: 🌈 “I am worth it,” 🌈 “my body does so much for me,” 🌈 “I am doing my best.”

Also, remind yourself that healthy is an outfit that looks different on everyone. No single approach can be successfully applied to everyone, and no single lifestyle/appearance/mindset suits all needs. What’s more, no single lifestyle/appearance/mindset suits one person all of their lives. Needs change! To do this, really, you need to acknowledge and normalise normal bodies. Beware who you follow online: follow those pages that bring you up... and unfollow those that knock you down. Surround yourself with diversity, as there’s so much more than the thin figures (or perfectly curvy figures) that take central stage in the media! 

In addition to self-affirmations, get that journal of yours out to cultivate gratitude. Stay positive, journal, see the beauty in things. One prompt could be to consider all the things that your body does for you, and list down at least five things you’re grateful for. Another would be to write a daily thing that amazed or inspired you, or that made your feel happy or grateful to be alive.

Remember that your weight is separate from your worth. Your weight fluctuates, as it is bound to, but your worth does not. You are so much more than your appearance!

What would I tell you if you were struggling with anxiety?

Anxiety, whether due to weight gain or life stressors... is part of the journey (sorry!) It's horrible, it sucks, but it can be dealt with in an adaptive way, without turning to the eating disorder.

Once you've set the steps above into motion, consider adding some of the following, too, to your daily self-care practices:

• EAT REGULARLY AND SUFFICIENTLY. If you thought food was separate from stress, you got it wrong! Eating regularly and sufficiently helps maintain energy levels and blood glucose levels, and it reduces fatigue and irritability. In other words, it's a recipe for success! If the thought of eating itself stresses you out, consider opting for a meal plan to reduce some of this anxiety.
• TAKE ENOUGH REST. It's too easy to cram the diary full of activities, but it is oftentimes better to take a step back and come at things with a more minimalist approach. Cut unnecessary activities out of your diary and prioritise the right way: your health and wellbeing first, and everything else second!
• REDUCE TRIGGERS. Fighting battles within your mind can be as exhausting, if not more so, than fighting battles physcially. So, consider your triggers. I suggest you give this some proper thought, put pen to paper, and come up with your personalised action plan: what are your triggers? When do they show up? What can you do to prevent them, or how can you mitigate their impact on your wellbeing and stress levels?
• SET FEWER AND MORE REALISTIC GOALS. As with step 2, taking a step back can be a good thing, no matter how much society likes to drive home the need to do more and more and more until we burn out. Set your priorities, set your goals, and fight for them. But don't take on more than you (or your mental health) can realistically handle. Know yourself, and listen to your limits. And don't be afraid to call on the support of others!
• INUNDATE YOURSELF WITH POSITIVE SELF-TALK. This, I believe, is the key to happiness. Keep a grateful journal, record your daily wins/achievements, and (with time) retrain your brain to appreciate the little things in life. This can be powerful!

Remember, you do not have to maintain your old coping mechanisms if they are no longer serving you. In fact, if food restriction is causing the problem (which it often does do, at least in part), know that it cannot also be the solution.

Food restriction (dieting, cutting out foods, avoiding food groups, jumping on trends) is often the go-to response when people feel anxious, stressed, low in mood and/or out of control in life.

Feeling bad about your body shape? 👉🏼 Cut foods

Feeling like you can’t control your emotions? 👉🏼 Control your intake.

Rather than solve any problems, however, this approach often exacerbates these problems… and it creates a range of other negative side effects along the way! Your body is forced to go through additional stress, your health may deteriorate, and your concentration may lag. Rather than ‘gain’ control, you may find yourself bingeing and feeling more out of control than you did to begin with! And, no, the number on the scales never do satisfy. In response to this, I see a lot of people put even tighter controls on their intakes, in the belief that things will work out this time around. And then it doesn’t. Again. Feelings of guilt turn into feelings of lack of control translate into even tighter measures, and so on and so forth. It’s a cycle, and the only way to break out is to stop the behaviours that keep it going.

The problem is not lack of willpower or lack of control. It is the restriction, disguised as the solution. BUT RESTRICTION CANNOT BE THE PROBLEM AND THE SOLUTION. Stop using it to manage your feelings, and start feeling the feelings. Use any of the tools within this post, and never feel bad if you need to reach out for professional help.